muthafuckin weird-ass mood.

Pisses me off.

I don't want to be in a weird mood. I don't want to think about my grandpa.

I don't want to feel like I'm slipping back into depression without pot.

Push the due date

So. I contemplated taking a semester off today.

And running away.

That's the basic idea. I want to just move to some small town, work in a diner or a book store or something super cheesy. I want to live the life. Rent a tiny apartment for cheap. Make enough money to buy the occasional bud. That would be an ideal time to break away from thoughts of home and pressure and tension.

I'd have facebook. And my phone. I'd talk to my parents often, let them know how it's going. And then I'd have a story for when I came back home. It sounds like something I'd read about. But I want to do it.

I need to talk to my advisor, and my parents. And friends at some point. But not as early on.

I need to do this.

smells like....

Baby wipes and cinnamon buns!

nah trick!

I do not have the time to be gettin sick. Hopefully this was just some weird thing. I mean damn. Finals start next week, and this week is the last week of classes. I've already missed some pretty important shit, I'm sure.

Of course I probably wouldn't feel so bad about staying out while legit sick if I hadn't already missed so many classes from smoking. Damn. I feel pretty shitty about that. But I mean I don't think I'll miss anything tomorrow. Patrick has a concert. That'll be fun!

Well. I'm thoroughly sidetracked. And it's almost time.

So I may stop by and edit the post but let's be real here: I probably won't.

the Finals countdown

7 French classes

7 Culture and Dress classes

5 AFS classes

4 Geosystems classes (and 2 Labs)

2 TED 250 classes

4 Badminton classes (including the final)

31 classes, total

4 Mondays (9 classes, total)

3 Tuesdays (5 classes, total)

2 Wednesdays (6 classes, total)

2 Thursdays (7 classes, total)

2 Fridays (4 classes, total)

13 days, total

5 more weeks

2 full weeks

2 partial weeks (one with 1 day, one with 2)

1 week of exams

4 (or 5) exams

And them I'm done. On Tuesday the 15th. In one month.

That's some pretty crazy stuff.

It feels like this semester went by so quickly. Especially when I compare it to last year. Last year everything went by so slowly. The weekends even went slow sometimes (although every Sunday come time to go back to the dorm I always wondered where all the time went.) I'm so much happier this semester, and I've been doing a pretty fabulous job of balancing. My grades are still good, and I've held a job for 5 weeks now. Hell yeah.

In other news, Thanksgiving is next week! I'm so excited to go up to the mountains and have a fabulous meal with my wonderful family. And I'm making the baklava! Delicious!

Oh, plus. People come home for Thanksgiving. I'm ready for people to come home.

Although I would like to just say that I'm glad there's a weekend in between this past weekend with Eric and next weekend with Nick. It'll be nice to have some time to chill and listen to the music we've been listening to again.

so weird

I don't know what it is, man;

but something about today is off.

It was supposed to be an awful day with a good night. Something changed.

TED 250 - a class that seems so pointless for me, and I usually fall fast asleep in it if I don't get enough sleep (or leave early enough to grab a coffee). Well it was different today. It was interesting, and I paid attention. (For the most part.) But not only that... I felt like I got something out of it. The material was relevant and appealing. Stuff I'd actually talk about outside of a classroom with my friends about. "Are you normal?"

And then geosystems wasn't too awfully boring. It helped that my window for registration was during the class. Of course we got out early. And by early I mean less than a minute before my registration time. So I sat there and waited the short time and jumped on that shit like Tonto. I got all my classes. Except for music theory and ear training, but I've got plenty of time, and there won't be a problem getting spots for those. They're required of friggin ANYBODY who attempts a music-related degree. So I'm golden. It'll be 19-20 hours, but I can do it. No doubt.

Then Andrew let me know he couldn't make our regular Tuesday/Thursday lunch today, so I figured no better time to go peruse Tate St. and spend some of the money that's been burning a hole in my pocket since I got paid. So that was fun. Grabbed a Black & Tan from Tate St. Coffee, browsed the racks in Design Archives, and decided I may as well stop into Sister's while I'm there. So I get a better cig case (they'd fall out when I opened the other one so I got one with a little arm in it so it'll hold the damn things in) and some sticks of incense. Good stuff.

Then badminton was fun as hell. A sure sign that something was starting to go wrong. I definitely got myself out of the house, into the hurricane, found a parking spot (say WHAAAA?? I know!) although it was out in the boonies compared to where I was going. So I braved the hurricane again (although seriously it's just a drizzle here now. Just a constant. Muthafuckin. Drizzle. That will randomly erupt into sheets of rain and you don't know what the fuck is going on. For 4 days now. This has been the norm. Goddamn. It's fuckin COLD now.) Anyways. I brave the cold drizzle and then play a goddamn game of badminton. Three, actually. And it was fun as hell.

Then I came home, decided it wasn't really worth it to go back out for lab. Especially with all the work that needs to be done. (Cleaning the train room - check! Finish packing goodies for the road trip tomorrow - check! Homework - ehh.... I'll get there.) So that's where I am now. And it's been a good day.

don't you just hate when...

...You have no idea what you want to listen to?

It's been happening so much more recently, and it's getting to be really annoying. I can only handle it for so long. And when the weather outside is frightful, the Christmas music obsession sorta starts to come back. If I don't know what I want to listen to, Christmas music will tempt me back and I cannot fall into its trap. Must. Wait. For Thanksgiving!

Although this anticipation should make that Friday so much better! Most people go out shopping on Black Friday. I stay in and organize my Christmas music collection. Two years ago I was burning various Christmas mixes to play at a Christmas party that never happened. Last year I was gathering CDs to add Christmas music to my laptop for the first time (that was exciting!) And this year, I'm sorting the music by artist in the folder, finding the album art for as many as possible (and also contemplating creating album art á la Sumo Paint for those with unfindable art.) Starting now is probably going to make it faster to start listening to the music when Black Friday comes. Good stuff.

But I really am having fun with this. It's a fun tradition that gives me a good excuse to stay off of the crazy streets on the biggest sales day in the year. Yeesh. People are frickin INSANE out there!

Anyways. Thanksgiving. Can't come faster. Super pumped for the day with my family, and even more excited about certain people coming home and getting to hang out with said certain people. And of course the next day I can start with the Christmas music again! Hurrah! :D

i'm excited

For the future. Let's see where it takes me.

I'd like to find some funky coffee shop.

I want to go there a lot. Like. Seriously a lot. I forgot how much I freakin love coffee until recently. And I feel like the stuff could do me a world of good recently.

I want to only buy clothes that I think are freakin sweet. I want everything I own to be either super functional (think basics) or super original and cool and funky (there's that word again!)

I want my biffs around me constantly. In other words, I want my posse to roll deep.

I want to have lots of fantastic weekends in with my biffs.

I want to take more pictures.

I want to take more pictures WITH MY FRIENDS.

One of the things I realized I miss so much is having so many pictures on facebook. I'm sure if you graphed from when I got my facebook to now, there would be not just a steep decline once college began, but a distinct drop. The only times pictures would be uploaded would be after a trip to visit people (mainly Wake, but there were other visits as well.)

I kinda miss it. And I miss not being able to be like "this is what I did. I have photographic logs of my life."

So next time we're all hanging out on one afternoon I'm gonna say let's go on a walk.

And we're gonna take a shit ton of pictures.

:)

you know what i love about college?

Everything.

But more specifically right now: having my own bathroom.




It's so nice. :]

how are you?

Well, I've had better days in my life. Days that I don't smell like old cigs and fast food. That my case isn't brought before the director of IPC. When the chance of studying abroad doesn't drop dramatically. Shit I'm a procrastinator, and it needs to stop. Like, now.

If everything had been done in a timely manner then right now I'd just be studying or taking pictures. But alas. I'm implementing a bit of retail therapy and research so at least I have that fun.

The good news though? It's a gorgeous day outside. The weather is cool, and the sky is a brilliant blue that just go gorgeously with the super saturated leaves this year. I definitely need to go out and get some pictures if at all possible. I have to make an effort for it today. It's that beautiful.

But hey. If nothing else I can listen to Demians and that tends to put me in a better mood. Especially this time of year.

i'd rather be anything but ordinary, please

Yes, Avril Lavigne. Get over yourself if you can't accept the fact that I'm a closeted Lavigne-freak. I really could not tell you why, it's just one of those damn things. It's fuckin catchy and some part of me from middle school would just wither and die inside me if I ever cut off this faucet of love.

Sorry for being weird about it. It's a touchy subject.

Anyways. I've determined that the past couple of days life has settled into the natural happiness that it should, and that now is the time to experience life - not try to understand the experience.

I feel like everything is SO right. Everything makes sense the way it is, and I couldn't be happier. Bad things can still happen and I'd be just fine. It'll all move on. I've never felt more comfortable with life. Things could get better - for sure - but they also can't get worse. It's just at a really REALLY good place.

I'm starting to think that none of this makes sense at all. That's what I get for trying to write a blog and listen to music at the same time. Go me. Haha.

I fucking love college.

Everything is just perfect right now. Everything is rucking right.

College is amazing. Even with having gotten my wisdom teeth out just Friday. Damn.

I fucking love my life and everybody it in. Especially certain people. But damn. I miss a lot of people right now. Shout out to my bitches that ain't in the boro!

I love fall. And college. And living off campus. And having this surgery done. And UNCG. And Wales. And study abroad! And Bounce U. And having a job in general. Makin that guap!

Jesus muthafuckin' Christ I feel good right now. Even with ice bags strapped to my chipmunk cheeks. Yay for drugs.

Just a few things and a bit of an update!

Okay, first off - to Mr. Let-me-post-what-I'm-having-for-lunch-on-facebook:

Dude. Nobody gives a damn. Stop.

And to somebody else:

You're online. And I want to talk to you. But I don't know what to say. So I'm just going to be busy again and ignore the problem and pretend like it isn't there.

I miss you so much right now. It's a combination of the weather, the fact that it's around the same time of year, and this music isn't helping all that much either.

And for my update:

I HAVE A JOB!!!! AT THE BEST WORKPLACE EVERRRR!!!!!

I'm working at Bounce U, which means I get paid to throw bouncy parties for little kids, play with them on the inflatables, and keep everybody happy which I'm very good at.

It's seriously the best job ever. :)

"This is good baby making weather"

Or so Liz's classmate said! I kid you not! I laughed so hard!

Anyways.

I only laughed because its true. :)

Now if only I had a hunnie to snuggle with.

Poop.

Damn, Dad!

That's some pretty dank shit.

Things are wavy, man. Typing is fun as hell. I probably shouldn't put this as a blog, but damn. I'm so much better at typing while I'm in this plane.

Jesus fuckin' Christ, man. Best plan ever.

Achievements today: 9. And still some time left in the night. So a solid 10 may be attainable!

Holy shit!

What did I do this weekend?

I know it technically isn't over yet, since I still have Monday and Tuesday off (yay fall break!) But last night was the last time I'll see Nick until Thanksgiving, which seems REALLY far off to me at the moment. Hopefully we'll be going up to visit him sometime between then and now, though. I'd love to go up to the mountains in the fall, it's guaranteed gorgeousness. But we're also taking Eric back today, so it'll be another signifier for closing the weekend. I mean it'll be nice to have a few extra days to wind down, but I'm gonna be fairly down.

I don't know what it was, but this weekend in particular has made me miss Nick more today than any other day. And he hasn't even left to go back to Western yet! Jesus. Emotions and feelings are just too much sometimes. I really wish I could've spent more time with him this weekend, I feel like I didn't get much at all.

Of course it didn't help that we all expected good times and classic skadunking but with Rocky and Chris here it just wasn't the case. It was too crowded, Liz's parents were being jerks and not taking responsibility for taking and picking up Mick from the homecoming dance. That was not conducive at ALL.

I don't know. Last night just didn't go right. And the only things that made me feel better were those few moments that I had with Nick. We didn't even get a head rub in! (Although with that many people there it would've been a little more difficult to organize plus there's the whole über-awkward factor.) But I mean at least we had some times together. It's better than if he were in another state or if he were as scarce as Kelly is this year. (Kelly we miss you!!!)

Well, anyways. What I did this weekend: got sketchy and sexually frustrated.

Damn. I love college.

Ode to TED 250

You ask me to remember the EOGs and how I felt about them?

They were as helpful to me as a student as this class is to me as a teacher.

Boring as hell. Seemingly asinine. But more likely than not helpful for later in someway or another. Hopefully.

My Own Ode to Dave

I am sort of stealing this idea from Andrew, but it's fitting.

As this was the summer of Dave, and today is the last day of summer, I shall pen an ode to the summer and to Dave who saw us through the summer safely.

Here's to Dave.

to late nights that some consider early mornings.

to smoking for the first time.

to drinking for the first time.

to smoking excessively.

to getting Skadunked.

to going to space.

to Sol, #41, Brand New Day, Champagne Supernova, Scream, and SO many others.

to Dave's best friend, Thunderbird.

to arranging, rearranging, mucking up, and cleaning up.

to countless head rubs.

to the old couch (no matter how awful it was).

to the new couch (for how awesome it is).

to road trips.

to DC.

to almost dying from laughing.

to almost happening.

to not happening.

to being sketchy.

to nightly inebriated phone calls at the beach.

to learning something you would NOT learn in school.

to making connections.

to hearing friends on the radio.

to losing power and liking it (disregarding the heat).

to not having AC downstairs forever and doing nothing about it.

to constant visits and calls from my father.

to living away from my family for the first summer ever.

to living with a friend.

to practically living with another.

and to becoming closer to these people than ever imagined before.

If I spent even part of my summer with you, then I'd just like you to know that you mean more to me than anybody else in the world; I love you all so dearly. I'm looking forward to seeing you on breaks and even more to next summer: the Summer of Nutsicles.

Ciao!

And so ends and era.

What with just about everybody already gone to go back to school it's time to buckle down and get serious. I saw my music advisor today, and I'm feeling about as positive about my decision to make music my concentration as possible. I think this is exactly what I want to do, and I'm excited to see how everything plays out!

On another note:

It's time for this summer to be over. And although I still have one more weekday left until school starts, I'm ready right now to look back and see just how absolutely amazing this summer has been. (Well... what I can remember of it at least.) :]

I wouldn't want this past summer to have gone any other way (for the most part....) and I can't explain how extremely excited I am about living with Andrew now. It'll be a big difference from living with Liz.

Also, as excited as I am about living with Andrew it has nothing on the excitement for breaks when people come home again. Especially Christmas/winter/semester break. We're already thinking about doing a fire the first time people are home when it's cooler outside, and I suggested perhaps doing a weenie/marshmallow roast the weekend of Thanskgiving. It's really making me feel grown up and college-y. And of course - Christmas. This is going to be a huge deal for me this year. I cannot wait to decorate the house, put the little tree out, and have a big party! (Hmm... Secret Santa anyone?)

Oh man. This was the best summer, and it's only getting better from here!

Are you ready to know?

My friend Nick released his solo EP a couple days ago. I'm still blown away by how fantastic it is. My favorite (as well as just about everyone else) at the moment is "The Arch" although "The Blacksmith" follows VERY closely as my second favorite song he's ever done. This says quite a bit about this CD seeing as how I think extremely highly about the rest of his music. Most of it at least *coughAnAngelcough* Anyways. The chorus in "Arch" blows me off my feet every time I hear it.

I would highly recommend going to his myspace and listening to it all the way through. It's a concept album with lots of recurring themes and lyrics and such.

http://www.myspace.com/nickmarcone

Are you ready to know who you are and who you wanna be?

Topsail Island

I spent the past couple of days (left Saturday morning/afternoonish, getting back mid-afternoon Wednesday) on Topsail Island in Surf City, NC. It's absolutely gorgeous here, and it could possibly be my favorite beach despite there being nothing to do around here. Not really, at least.

Anywhos, my mom's been really REALLY nice this week about letting me use her camera and snap some pics. LOL. But seriously? I've been very satisfied with how some of them have come out. I've been putting some up on flickr, but because I'm a cheap frugal bastard and won't pay for flickr ($25 a year?! no thanks!) I only have 100 MB per month, and my files are pretty big. So I pick and choose my favorites and then if I have some room left after this I still have some photos from around my parents' yard and a few from Popeye's still left over. And maybe a few from the beach that didn't quite make the first cut will get added on. Who knows!

So here's the link:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/k-e/sets/72157621869051923/

Woo!

Harrumph

I have no clue why I got so angry. And I really hope it didn't show. But she doesn't know that he's NOT the only one with a problem with phones. I COMPLETELY agree with him. And I think others do too.

I constantly complained to you during the school year about my roommate talking on the phone in the room. And you agreed with me. Now you do it. What the fuck.

And it's worse when we get high. It really REALLY bothers me. But I am so completely against confrontation, and so afraid of making other people uncomfortable, and so against being selfish and asking you to get off the phone in a room in which it is completely not an issue to ask someone to take a private call into another room. What the hell is wrong with ME? Why couldn't I have just brought it up.

Why did I get SO angry? You weren't attacking me. But I guess in a way you were. Because in this case I'm not on your side at all.

I'm tired. And I should go to bed.

But I'm probably gonna start crying in a couple of minutes.

It's been a miserable day.

Perfect. 10.

We had probably the most intense yet shortest thunderstorm I've ever seen today. It was loud, bright, close, and heavy: everything I've ever wanted in a storm. Oh, it was fantastic. Of course now I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like there's something I should be doing, but I can't for the life of me think of what it is. So now I'm just sprawled out in the middle of the living room floor with my laptop plugged into the system listening to some rainy day music (jazz, film scores, Eric Whitacre, etc) and feeling like I should be out doing something. But I still can't figure out what. Earlier I was going to go out and get some caffeine, a Mountain Dew or something. But I decided not to becase I didn't feel like getting up then, and by the time I did get up the rain started, and there was no way I was going to drive in that rain. Meh. I'm sure I'll figure out something. If it were Thursday I'd say let's go to Tate St. but alas it's just a frickin Monday.

Speaking of Thursday.

Thursday night Cam's coming over and we're doing copious amounts of fun. And in the same vein - I reached a 10. Within months of my first experience. That shit was fucking insane. I don't even remember most of that night. Shoot.

carpe jazz

If the opportunity should ever arise, I want to someday own a jazz club. Hopefully one somewhat close to downtown. But should I ever get that opportunity I would name it The Back Patio.

We'd focus mainly on jazz, but we'd also have blues. A live blues jam on whatever day is best for the scene (not Wednesday - that's the clubhouse. And Sunday belongs to Zion's. Thursday is the Flatiron and Tate St. Coffee. So I'd probably do like a Monday or a Tuesday. Saturday is for booking bands and such.)

It would be sooooo much fun. And I know people. So I'd be able to get some pretty decent bands to come play. Plus I'd get to live out my dreams; including the jazz singer one. I want to sing jazz for a live audience at least once. Seriously.

But as for the here and now? I'm about to go out and listen to jazz outside on THIS back patio. Yay life!

Clapping is such an odd tradition. Especially when thinking about in in a crowd. More on this later.

i need a job

Because I'm starting to get restless at home. I'm never happy in one spot for more than an hour at most, and my money situation... well... it could be better.

Thankfully my dad gave me some money today, and thank god for that. I didn't have a whole lot before that (although I can't really say I have a WHOLE lot now...) and shopping is a good enough excuse for me to get out of the house.

I really should be cleaning, but I'm just not feeling it. I may go to sleep early tonight. That could be good. I went to bed around midnight last night, and I thought that maybe I'd get up at a decent hour today. Nope. 3:20. What is wrong with me?

Oh well. I'm sure things will start getting back on track and better next week. Family vacation! Woo! We aren't going anywhere, it's what we like to call a "staycation" and I am perfectly satisfied with that. We've talked about going hiking, which is always fun. And I really want to go to the Transportation Museum in Spencer (traaaaaiiiinnnnsssss!!!!!!) and I don't think we have much else to do. Should be fun. I'll keep updating. Wahoo.

i miss the old times

I feel really alone right now. Liz is at her parents' for dinner, Kelly's packing for Seattle/Alaska, Andrew's in New Jersey, Becky's in DC/VA, and I don't know who else I'd call.

I just really miss high school for the fact that at any given moment I could call any number of people and at least one person would be free. Hmph. I just want to get a small group together and go to the park again. I miss it terribly.

On a side note: I kind of have a song. Sort of. I titled it "Advent" and I hope it goes somewhere, but I can't really promise anything.

So, DC was a helluva lot of fun. It was SO nice getting to see Becky again and hang out with her at museums and see the plays. They were AMAZING. I'm still blown away by what such a small company can accomplish. And all people my age, too. They were absolutely fantastic.

Plus it was so nice to spend a couple of days with Andrew, too. There were a few bumps in the trip, but we lived, and there are plenty of stories to tell (and some to NOT tell) and a lot of bonding went on. I'm glad that it was just the two of us, and I can't say how excited I am for him to move in!

Of course now he's going to Jersey for a week while Kelly's off in Seattle and Alaska for 2 weeks, and then I'll be family vacationing when he comes back (although it's a stay-at-home vacation, so I'll still see people and hang out for a while. We'll see what happens, then. I'm still pretty tired, but I'm excited to see how the next couple of weeks go.

Road trip!

Andrew and I are leaving tomorrow probably around 10 or 11 to drive up to DC and see Becky in her shows! I'm soooo excited! So excited, in fact, that I feel like listing why.

1. I get to see Becky again!!!! YAaaaaay! That's reason enough, honestly, but I am excited about more than just that.
2. Road trip! With Andrew! This promises to be an AMAZING trip, and I am SOOOO pumped to go out on the road with one of my very best friends.
3. One word: MUSEUMS. One thing that I don't think we have enough of in Greensboro is museums. And I've been wanting to go to the Holocaust museum since 5th grade when we weren't allowed. And then hopefully there will be some time to go to another museum too. When in Rome, y'know?
4. Becky's got me excited about the shows too. She says that they are going to be really good, so she better not disappoint! :)

But for tonight: dance party at Mary's house! I probably won't stay the whole time, but it will be super fun!

Also: Andrew, his mom, Nick, and I all went to the Thriving Ivory show at Greene St. last night and it was a ton of fun. Every time I go to a live show I remember how much I really love live music. And seeing a band that was actually fairly popular was a treat. Especially seeing it with people that I enjoy spending time with as much as I do with them. Hopefully we'll do it more often!

time to stop and think again.

It's been a while since my last post..... again. Not very surprising.

Although it may not have been as long as it feels.

Things have been moving fairly quickly, and I don't know if I'm giving myself enough time to stop and think about what's going on. It would also help to have somebody other than the garden gnome to talk to. Not saying I don't have anybody to talk to - I have plenty of friends, and all of them will listen to me - it's just that I don't know who I want to talk to and about what. It's all gone by so fast, and I don't remember most of it (which is to be expected, really).

All I know right now is that I have something I want to talk to somebody about and I don't know what to do. For the first time in a VERY long time I don't know who to turn to.

BUT. I do know that Andrew, Nick, Andrew's mom, and I are all going to Thriving Ivory at Greene St. on Tuesday. I'm pretty excited about that; it promises a fun time. Plus I'm not paying. Super fun bonus for me! :D

And then: tripping up to D.C. with Andrew to see Becky's shows!!! I'm SOOOO excited for this. The last "road trip" I went on was to see Cam in MacBeth, and that was one of the most fun trips I've been on if not THE most. Oh man. I just remembered how much I truly love my friends again. I swear it's the best feeling in the world. Even with the prospect of the fall only a month and a half away. I'm starting to love summer the most out of every season because that's when I finally get to see all of my friends again. Stupid colleges being so far apart. Wow. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. This is subject for another blog. Stop now.

So anyways. As far as talking to somebody I'll just handle the situation the way I do for life in general - take it as it comes. And while I do that I'll look forward to Greene St. and DC.

living

I felt like going somewhere today. And despite the quasi fear of my car on a highway, I did it.

Granted there's not a whole lot of adventurousness involved tonight - I only went as far as Winston-Salem. But still. Nobody knows where I am. (At least until they read this.) And it's kind of liberating.

When I got up out of my chair to go to the car it was my full intention to just go to Tate St. and enjoy a coffee and peruse the art gallery. I changed my mind pretty much when I was walking out. I decided to go for W-S instead and sit in a local coffee shop and enjoy the freedom and think on life. I did eventually make it to the coffeeshop (my current location while I type this out) but I was distracted by a sort of a festival thing that apparently goes on every week here. It's pretty amazing. I got to go through lots of little shops, getting jewelry ideas and the like. And then I started a quest for a coffee. It was a little more difficult than I imagined it would be. I did eventually find one and after engaging the guy behind the counter in a bit of friendly chit chat I asked him what's good and eventually landed on a sort of a frozen latte. It doesn't have coffee, but that's ok. It's damn delicious. It's a blackberry vanilla flavor and I'm falling in love with it. There are cute little windows for me to sit and and people watch. They're watching me too. Something is telling me that I look like the poster child for Mac right now - blogging in a local coffee shop window. Visible for everybody to see the gorgeous glowing apple. Meh. I'm happy. :)

I do plan on just going back to Greensboro tonight and watching a movie. I've yet to decide what. I have "The Road to El Dorado" - the Disney movie - or "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" - talk about diametric. I'm feeling Fear and Loathing what with the recent living room adventures and the road trip tonight. But at the same time... you just can't go wrong with Disney! But that will be a fun little night cap to this wonderful evening.

But let's talk magic for a while. And I mean natural magic.

While I was driving here I got to drive west into the sunset. Tonight was one of the more spectacular sunsets that I've had the privilege to be driving into, the whole sky was just neon. And gorgeous. But not only that was magic tonight - - -

I saw a shooting star.

In the middle of the sunset I got to watch a shooting star fall. It was a cyan blue and it was HUGE. I can't believe it. It had the shape of the star that you see in all the Christmas cards - you know, the one that the wise men followed. And oh my god it was gorgeous. I'm still reeling over what magic it was. And especially that I got to see it. I feel like it would've been a totally different feeling had somebody else been there. But this was just pure magic - just for me.

Tonight has been one of the best nights I've had in a VERY long time. All it took was the declaration to live.

WHAT.... is your quest?

My quest is...

...to find a new screenname.

I'm interested in switching everything over to wordpress. I'm just going to test the waters at first, y'know... See whether I liked that one better or not. The thing blogger has going for it is that it's part of gmail, which is the provider of my school email. So... yay? But I mean, that's not a big deal.

Probably the biggest deal is the name. I don't particularly care for "screw you i'm hanging up" just for the fact that I think hanging up on the phone instantly wins you douche status for life. (I imagined a tattoo: Douche 4Life. Lyfe? Hmm...) Anyways. The minute I think of something I like I'm moving on over.

I may or may not take my blogs with me... Maybe a few that I really like. And then I'll actually start tagging them. @_@

But the biggest use for the screenname is to avoid all those Awkward Andies on AIM. You know what I'm talking about. We all do. Those people who you trade names with in middle school, or the ones you haven't seen since graduation but still randomly chat you up, or those few people you trade names with for a class (*coughFrenchRevolutionGamecough*). I just want one to give to a select group of people. I'd like something that I don't have to be invisible on for most of the time. (PS- thank god for the invisible status. I would probably be very unhappy without it. Either that or I'd have an excessive amount of screennames.)

I may compile a list here. Or maybe just on a stickie note on my desktop. But whatever happens, I hope it happens soon. Maybe the peacepipe will tell me?

Possibilities so far:

Tuneful Toucan (going with my tribal name as given to me by Chief Big Bear)

LOLfarmhouse (hahahahahahaha. no. but still. LOL)

and a small side note:

fml.

a small update:

go to space

in a pencil shaped shuttle

become a jellyfish

lay in a big green field with tons of purple flowers

chill.

it was SO good.

(can't wait for next time.)

...rawr

FUCK NEBRASKA.

just..... btdubs.

Liz and I just sort of realized tonight that it was weird going 2 days without Andrew...

How the fuck are we going to do a week?!

oh darling

I've never been the darling. Maybe the darling daughter, the darling older child. But those don't count. I'm not in competition with my brother to be the older daughter.

Don't take this post wrong - I love this girl dearly. She is my oldest, bestest friend. But I've been living in her shadow pretty much since I became friends with her. So I do have a few things I hold in that are just going to come out in the blog.

She was the darling of theatre. And history. And english. And sometimes I feel like if our group had to kick out one person - me or her - they would immediately choose her. Unanimously. No second thoughts.

Of course they wouldn't decide unanimously with no second thoughts. (Well... no second thoughts, for sure... right?) But I just feel like I'm that tag on the mattress that nobody rips off because it's just not done. They have me around because I'm a friend... And I come with her.

I don't really know what the point of this is. I'm not going to be able to be as cool as she is, as badass, as witty, as smart, as focused, as accomplished, or as wanted. But hopefully someday somebody will come along and make me finally feel like the darling of his life; no longer second string.

getting a few things off of my chest.

Ok. 1 - Get the fuck out of my chair. That's MY goddamn chair, will you please get your ass out of it. I still don't know how you got it... But I'm claiming it back. Please. GTFO.

2- Wash some damn dishes. They aren't mine. If I make something I wash it almost immediately, and I take care of it. Especially with the pots and pans. I am SO tired of not having a pot to cook ramen in. That's why I make it in the microwave. I don't want to clean your narsty mac & cheese residue. I'm going to get plates and silverware for me, and that's all I will use. Then you can see which dishes are yours.

3- Sorry we didn't invite you to smoke tonight, but you were in here with the party. It would be weird for the guests if both of the people throwing the party leave. Plus it was nice bonding time for me and the boys. And it makes me a little more hopeful for joining them on the trip to Philly for PT. I don't want to push myself on them for what promises to be an epic trip, but it would be pretty fucking amazing if I got the chance to go.

But. I want to end on a happy note.

And for that I just want to reiterate that I love my friends more than anything else in the world. I don't know where I'd be without them. <3

just pretend this title is witty.

I'm feeling a little tired tonight. I can't tell you why though.

Pretty much every single night this past week somebody's been over and the party house was really pumpin strong. Tonight's the first night I could go up to the room and just hang out alone for a while. It was soooooo nice. I love Liz, but this is the first time in a good week (if not longer) that I got to just relax and watch a movie (Rushmore) and listen to some music. I also brought the guitar up for a bit.

Unfortunately this has also got me wanting to sing at the top of my lungs. But I don't know what I would sing if I did have something. Times like this make me wish I could write songs. Like... legit singer/songwriter stuff. I am so jealous of people who can just sit down, write a song, and record it. Any time I attempt to write lyrics they sound horrible. I'm never ever proud of any of my stuff. Whatevs. Maybe someday.

I still want to sing though. This may warrant a late-night trip out to Harris Teeter by myself or something. Just some way to get out in the car and drive somewhere alone to get out the singing craving.

Makes me wish I was the only one in the house again. :/

The happiness is almost overwhelming.

Thunderstorms.

Firepit.

Getting the living room really clean.

Rearranging furniture into a bangin setup.

Spending real quality time with some of my favorite people.

Interview at dream job tomorrow!

So, despite thunderstorms earlier (that would've been amaaazing had they not woo woo'd on the prospect of a fire.) BUT. Then it stopped raining, and we went ahead and did that junk anyway! And it was so nice. Although I'm kind of just now realizing that I never had a legit dinner. I sustained myself on s'mores. At least not until later, when I just made a sandwich. Whatevs. It was a hella fun night. I also learned I'm not that big on white wine.

Mmmm. My friends are the best in the world. I would be totally lost and depressed without them. They are the best part of my life. By far.

And I am feeling pretty good about this interview. This is the kind of place that I wouldn't complain about working. I mean it's all one big party. Of course I get the dirty work of the party - taking care of making sure a whole load of kids are happy the whole time - but it should be super fun. And pretty good pay, from what I hear. I think you get a set pay for every party, plus tips. Yay tips!

I'm hopeful and excited, and ready.

a few quotes

Tonight didn't quite go as expected. Liz and I left Mary's grad party a bit early to spend some time with Andrew and Nick, fully expecting a good time with lots of chatting and laughing; probably with smoking a cigar out in the backyard. Mmmmmmyeah. No. Not so much. Let's just say things escalated very quickly and it ended up with me and Liz sitting there and me wondering how the HELL things got as bad as they did.

Anyway, we eventually ended up on the patio smoking our cigars anyway (we weren't gonna go all the way out to Battleground and not partake tonight.) And we talked. It was good. We got things out to each other, and released a lot of the frustration. And we both feel that it wouldn't be as bad except for the guilt trip mentioned in the previous post. We're both more mad at her than Andrew. But... whatevs. I did end up sending a text to Andrew, and let him know that I hated the way the night ended and felt a little better. But while we were talking a few quotes and quotations came up. I usually end up mixing my quotes, but they all generally end up with the same conclusion. Of course tonight I came up with a pretty good one. It's the kicker at the end.

Let's go through what I'd like to iterate for tonight.

"This is the best of all possible worlds."

~ Dr. Pangloss, "Candide" by Voltaire

I am a HUGE fan of Candide. My first introduction was really AP Euro last year, when we studied Voltaire, and I decided to write a paper on him, and focused on Candide after reading the SparkNotes for it. Then I discovered the musical after doing the overture in band, and finding the DVD at the library. It was amazing. And I would love to own it.

Anyway... The whole point of the story is that it's stupid to just accept things to happen, it's a satire on Communism/Socialism. But I've found that if you really think this to be the best of all possible worlds, then it WILL be.

"It is what you make it"

I mean, this is a pretty popular saying. I tend to pair it with Dr. Pangloss' wonderful insight.

Here's my own personal addition to the inspirational table:

"Life sucks, so just sit back and enjoy the blow job."

Not something I'll be telling my family anytime soon... But it works.

graaaaaaah why?!

You ever get tired, go up to bed, and then RIGHT when you're about to fall asleep you get a damn creative spark that you MUST write down before it's forgotten?

It's worse for me now that I have Notion. I'm really excited that I have a way to finally write down the little musical lines that tend to float into my head. But at the same time - it's 4 in the morning. I want to be sleeping. And I really was about to sleep. But I had a spark that I wanted to get written. Luckily It proved to be worth it because I had a sort of chain reaction that led to an entire melody for a soprano (or alto, but the fact that it's a melody means it's most likely the soprano part) and an idea that could possibly get off the ground eventually.

And a new push-to-the-end phrase for when creativity leads to struggle:

Dig through the cliché shit to find your diamond.

So the moral of this story:

I'm digging through some cliché shit to find a diamond of a short play/musical idea. The musical "The Last Five Years" is a bit of my inspiration for this. If I'm lucky I can get Mrs. V to get one of her classes to do it for a small showcase maybe. I could come in and do some work with the singers and design and everything. I think it could be fantastic. The only thing is I have to write a play. And some songs. But I mean... whatever happens happens. I don't know if it's the creative high right now or what, but I'm feeling positive about this crackpot scheme.

Which is more than I could say about earlier. I was in such a fucking weird mood earlier tonight.

Thank god that passed. (For now.)

a dilemma...

Tonight was all kinds of amazing.

And yet all kinds of fucking WEIRD.

Let's start with the not-so-strange and make our way to the fucking weird.

First off - I'm getting along with Twinkles McDonkerdigglepants much better than I thought I would. I'm actually having fun with him around, and he's nice enough to buy food for us. Talk about a guest who knows how to make himself welcome. I wouldn't really mind having him around a couple more days if he wanted to. He's a great guy, and it's no wonder Liz likes him so much. (I'm sure the nature of their relationship isn't helping her with the separation anxiety. But that's not a story for me to tell.)

Now we're getting to some of the weirder bits.

A couple days ago, Andrew and Liz and I went out on the balcony and smoked a cigar together. This would be quite not-so-strange except that I never in a million years pictured myself smoking anything. Well. Not only this. But I think I may actually at some point take him up on his offer... But we'll see. It doesn't surprise me about anything that went down, but it did surprise me that I'm feeling pretty sure that that standing offer will be accepted. And based on tonight it could very well be this summer. Good lord. What the hell is going on with me?!

Well. Yes. So smoking cigars is a new fun activity for me. Wow. Didn't see that one coming.

You know what else I never in a bajillion years saw coming?

Drinking.

Of alcoholic beverages.

I partook. And I'm not sorry. I think if there were any people that I would sit out in the garden smoking a cigar and drinking a Smirnoff with it would be that group. I absolutely LOVED it. And I can't think of a better way to spend summer. I think when I finally turn 21 and can obtain alcohol legally it's going to be the best summer ever! (Only 2 years now, anyway.) But seriously: smoking. Drinking. What next? Well. Actually, I'm pretty sure I know. But. Geez. Wow.

I didn't get drunk. Or tipsy. Maybe a little buzzed. But I only had one bottle of passion fruit Smirnoff and about half a bottle of some blueberry beer that was rather mediocre. So not too bad, but by no means what I would've thought I'd do. What in the HELL.

I think the thing that gets me is that I don't know what to tell anybody. Obviously Liz and Andrew know. They were there. So it's cool. Froomies know. But do I tell Becky? Kelly? Not Mary or Sparkie. Oh my god. When will I tell my dad? I know he wouldn't have a problem with it (as long as I don't get shit-faced or do something stupid.) And even if I were smoking pot he'd probably ask if I want to smoke with him sometime. I may take him up on a cigar. But nothing more.

And my mom? Never. Well. Maybe when I finally tell her about my tattoo. Face-to-face.

Seriously, though? Tonight was the best night yet, which says a HELLUVA lot. Because that first cigar night was pretty amazing. Tonight was better. And I can't wait to see what comes next.

I love my froomie and f-froomie.

Away from UNCG

Well. It's been about 2 and a half weeks. And it feels like it's been either a week or a month, depending on when you get at me. Odd.

But while I'm away from school I find myself wanting to do things on campus more. It's rather odd. Like... I want to go on the swings, I want to just go for a walk or two down College Ave, or just around campus. And more specifically: TSCH.

Tate Street Coffee House.

Today I got the extreme urge to go get a Black and Tan. (Mmmmm coffee, chocolate, caramel.) Yesterday I really wanted a Clockwork Orange. But today I also wanted to go to the live jazz jam on Thursday. I wonder how practical this is, since Liz will have Twinkles McDonker-pants here, but I think I may go regardless. We'll see. And who knows, maybe Twinkles has an interest in going to a live jazz show? And if not this week then maybe some other time over the summer. There's plenty of opportunities. And it should be really fun!

Plus I just want to utilize my TSCH mug. :)

What the hell...

Several things:

You use to tell me that my roomie was a bitch for talking on the phone in the room. That it was hella awkward. What if I didn't want to hear the conversation. Much less only half of it.

So why are you doing it now?

Seriously. I don't want to hear it. I don't think I really even want to hear any of it. I'm tired of drama. I was happy to get to summer to get away from the drama that WAS my roomie.

I just want to listen to my fucking music. What the hell.

And also. You said - almost an hour ago - "brb".

Where the fuck are you?

What the hell.

But maybe it's the internet? It seems to be crapping out on me. What the hell.

And apparently my facebook is currently down for site maintenance. I just want to post that I'm having internet problems and going to bed. What the helllllll.

Have you ever watched an ant crawling and wondered how far away it is from its colony?

What if the ant was crawing into a trashbag last week, and it got taken out in the garbage and ended up in the dump. Then it realized it was far from home and started trekking (I don't know how to spell that) back home, and it's in the middle of this fantastic journey when you see it! Maybe it knows exactly where it's headed. Or maybe it hasn't the foggiest idea, but he/she/it will stop at nothing until he/she/it is satisfied!
Or maybe it's 5 inches away from its hill.

I like to think it's the first one. :]

And by that I mean...

When do we draw the line of where parental interference ends?

Financial independance?

That's my best guess so far.

I'm so ready to move out for the summer, and I am so happy to have the friends that I have. I'm absolutely excited about spending my summer with Liz, and I am ready. For the most part.

- If you wait through a storm, you will get to see the most beautiful sky you've seen in a long time. -

And can I just say - my friends are so amazing.

I have been trying to clean out that kitchen for months now, and in one night we already finished about a quarter of it. I never would have done it without them. Ever.

But probably my favorite part of the night was when we sat outside on the blanket with our pizza and just talked.

Summer is going to be the most amazing ever.

This is quite clear already.

Thoughts:

My standards must be too high.
Even if i get my gpa up how am i going to take an honors class?
Am i doing as well as i thought?
Maybe i should stay up all night. I don't want to be awake now. But i don't want to go back to the room anymore.
I don't want to go back to that room ever.
Stress is making me physically ill right now.
The only person i want to talk to is probably having sex right now.
Will i ever be good enough?
If i smoked pot when i got depressed would i be happier?
Did i really just think about pot?
My friends really were my anti-drug. I want my friends back NOW.

i'm not good enough.
Or at least not when depression kicks in.

Why can't I just be HAPPY.

Oh yeah.
Because i'm not good enough.

My brain is a peep in a microwave right now.

If I type a completely random title, don't hold it against me.

Hmmm.

I shouldn't have stayed up this late.

I kind of had another mini-disagreement tonight with a friend over facebook messages, and so I didn't want to just be like "I'm going to bed. Bye." and leave during that... I would feel really guilty. But I was soooo ready to just go to bed.

And then I started watching "The Graduate" but I started 15 minutes late, and I basically saw what I had seen the first time when I started late. But I sort of kind of ignored it a little bit while I was chatting with a friend, and so I was in and out of it anyway. So I was just stupid confused there at the end, and I just need to watch it from beginning to end sometime.

And then I was all "I should burn a CD (because the ones I tried yesterday FAILED.) and take a shower!" But I realized that I'd rather take one in the morning, and then my hair wouldn't be all stupid in the morning. So I burned the CD anyway to prepare for tomorrow. And then I was like oooooh camera! Oooooooh makeup! Oooooooh photosphotosphotos. Then I discovered the camera I was using (not the super nice one) had a macro setting. I took pictures of my eyes.

And now it's 2:30 am and I have nothing to show for myself. I have done nothing productive tonight. And I need to be working on this house more and more as summer approaches. Especially if Liz is going to be living here.

Luckily I started in the kitchen before the tea party, so that really wasn't as bad as it used to be. But it needs to be better. Especially with the cockroaches roaming around in there now. They seem to be getting bigger every year. I absolutely hate them. Because it's not like I'm really LIVING in the house every day keeping the bugs out. I can't help them. But they still look horrendous and I need them OUT.

And now I feel a bit woozy. Lack of sleep woozy. And if it were 3 hours later I would just take a trip down to the Harris Teeter and get some food and an energy drink to keep me up. But I think I may be able to go to sleep now and still be able to get up for Patrick's game tomorrow. I don't knoooooow.

BUT. If I miss it. I can work in the garden.

I still don't know.

He'll have plenty of games later. But I won't have plenty of time to plant these things. I need to get on that garden stat.

Hmmm.

Matisyahu - Youth

"Young man control in your hand

Slam your fist on the table

And make your demand

Take a stand"

...really?!

"u rite"

Has our grammar online really become SO bad that we can no longer post sentences without completely disregarding proper English?
So many things are wrong with that sentence.
u. That would be "you" (or in this case "You" as it is the beginning of the sentence.) Are is completely disregarded. If it is difficult enough to spell out "you" then why in the world would you take the time to write "are?!" And rite. This one pisses me off about as much as all the rest (see list below) and it isn't even grammar. It's spelling. Is it really so difficult to spell "right." Honestly. That's one of the first crazy things they teach in your kindergarten spelling lesson - IGHT = Ite. Light, fight, bright, RIGHT. Not so hard. But apparently it is.

Further annoyances:
your/you're/ur/(Occasionally I've seen u'r. Way to look stupid while trying to look smart, dumbass.)
there/they're/their
our/are (No, are is not plural possessive. Thank you.)
to/too/two
should of (This phrase is totally incorrect. You fail.)

There are more.
But I'm super tired.
I'm done.



But on a sidenote:
I seriously fucked up my foot today. The bruise is AWFUL and it's swollen a bit. Not so good. And quite painful, too. Booooooooooooooo. :/

Not... the best... but not the worst?

I don't know. At this point I could claim this day to go both ways.

Good Stuff:

• Lowes! I love me some hardware store shopping. Possibly too much.
• The house. It is mine. Not technically. But it's a definite yes for living here next year.
• Spaghetti dinner! Twas quite delicious.
• Alumni Jazz Band! It should happen!
• The troupe that went to ITS this year won! They're moving on to the nationals! Go Kim and Andrew!!!

Bad Stuff:

• I miss everything like a BITCH right now. Seeing everybody at the dinner tonight, and then looking at pictures from this year's ITS fest. Bad.
• I miss jazz as well. I don't play it enough anymore.
• I scratched open Dad's old wound by bringing up plans for next year. He's just not happy now that the house is completely skipping him and coming to me, basically.
• Talking to Becky and just more affirmation that I have no friends at UNCG while the Wake kids have soooo many friends. Especially each other. I would give anything to have my friends back.
  
• While I was in the car I thought how easy it would be to just run the car into a tree. Suicidal thoughts. WTF. That really scared me.

I'm really exausted. And the more I think about it the more I realized that it's just not a very good day right now. I should probably go to bed. And sleep it off.

:/

Concentrations and Cars

Oh man.. second blog today... I must be stressed...



So... I have advising coming up in a week and a half. This means I get to spend an hour trying to figure out how I want my life to go for a semester. I can go with an impossible schedule (18 credit hours including a theatre class) or I can slack off (14 credit hours and barely anything difficult). I think I'll go with another 18 hour semester... but not with insane classes. UGH. I hate advising. And registering. I'll just be glad when this semester is over!


So cars! I'm gonna look into getting one this summer. Oh man. Talk about a reality check. I'm buying my first car. I know exactly what I want, too. I've thought about it for a while. A 2009 purple Honda Fit Sport. The price tag on that one is $18,000-$19,000. The thing is, I found exactly what I want. Unfortunately it's in Winston-Salem (although that would buy me some awesome highway time with it when I bring it home). And it's a little higher than I'd like to pay. (It's kinda funny when your car costs more than your college tuition.) [Car can be seen here.]
The one I linked there is about $18,000 (MSRP, of course. I can probably talk that down, though.) But when I got a quote from Crown Honda of Greensboro they said about $19,630. So perhaps the price of the one in W-S isn't so bad; especially if we can talk it down. We'll see I suppose. Although honestly I shouldn't do this to myself yet... I really should get a job before I look at cars.

And unfortunately all of this shopping around has led me to the realization that I don't want anything older than the 2009. And I specifically want the Fit Sport. I've become far too picky for my first car. Dammit.

Well...... I'll probably talk to my dad about the... well... a car this weekend while we get the lumber for the picnic table! :D

I think I may be a little strange...

My newest dream/goal is to ride trains like a hobo for a summer. I think I may be a tad strange for that... But I think it would be sooo much fun. I would probably have to do it alone... But I think that may be part of the magic for me...

I would bring just a few things:

• a camera (hopefully by then I would have bought my own...)
• a super huge memory card for the camera
• I MAY bring my computer... only to use when I'm downloading pictures (yay flickr!)
• my phone. I want at least some way to keep in touch with my family.
• iPod. No music makes me craaaazy. I wouldn't survive without it.
• I probably wouldn't take more than an extra shirt or two... and probably wouldn't have extra pants.

It's not the most glamorous lifestyle... But it is really attracting me right now...



Oh- and update on the picnic table:
It's a good possibility! My dad seemed interested in the fact that I wanted to do it... So it's probably going to happen! :D

Easter!!!

IT IS COMING!!!!

I'm an agnostic (leaning atheist) I'll go ahead and make that very clear; I'm not into Easter for the Jesus thing. I'm into it for the same reasons I'm into Christmas (although Christmas is a whole different level of excitement. Oh BOY do I get excited...) I love the candy, the feeling of the season (yaaaay spring!!!) and the presents. There aren't enumerous presents, but they're there. And they're fun. For example: I got a Beatles poster in 5th grade; a reproduction of the poster used to advertise their show at Shea Stadium.

But this year I would really like to have a party; the theme: an afternoon tea. On Good Friday. At this stage in the planning I'm just doing a preliminary "do you think you can come?" count. So far I've asked 2 people... and both said yes for now. So I'm going further and actually starting to plan some things out. Should be fun!

But what I'm thinking right now:
I wanna build a picnic table! :D
I think it would be fun... I'll definitely be writing a blog about that experience (assuming I actually follow through with it) and I'm pretty pumped about it. I'm gonna try to do it this weekend. I found some free plans online, and the tools are pretty standard, so it's just a matter of buying the lumber and hardware!

Yay!

Letters to Anonymous

It's been a while since I've actually done this. And I try to do it several times a year just because it's nice to say things and stop ruminating on them. I was inspired to write my first Dear Anons note of 2009 by Andrew's blog (which I'm not sure he knows I read... but I do. And I would just like to commend him on that last post about the annoyances of Facebook. Bravo. I agree with just about all of it. Some things I could argue with, but I don't really want to. I don't have a strong opinion either way about it, and there's no use in arguing about something I don't care that much about.)

That being said let's get right down to it.



Dear Anonymous,
Why are you so far away? (Sooooo Faaaar Awaaaaay! I had to. Sorry.) You just had to be amazing and smart and everything and get into a private school and leave me. BOO ON LIFE for being all reality and shit.
I miss you. A whole helluva lot. :(

Dear Anonymous,
Every single time I EVER have a conversation with you it always - ALWAYS ends up being about you again. Even if I call you, knowing I only have 15 minutes until my class starts, to tell you about something that just happened or I just heard about you STILL usurp the conversation to be like "OMG LEMME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY!" No. No no no no NO. Let me tell my goddamn story first. I am then left with 2 minutes to tell a 15 minute story. And usually when you call me (or rather, I call you because you wanted me to when I was free) I tend to tune out after you tell the story the first time. After that you go into details and I stop paying attention. Sometimes I don't even have to put in the occasional "yeah. Uh huh. Right." Although you'll ask if I'm still there. That's a sign right there: if you have to ask if I'm still there I'm probably bored out of my mind wondering why I'm wasting my minutes to hear the same damn story several times with repeated unnecessary details for 40 minutes.
Shut the hell up and let me talk sometime.

Dear Anonymous,
I love you, but you're a mess. Whenever I talk to you (more like whenever you talk at me) it's always severely depressing and I'm tired of it. When I'm in the rocking chair listening to music it's because I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear it. I just want to listen to my music and maybe read a book. I can't escape it because you wait for me to sit down there and I can't get up and leave! That would be rude and you would get pissed. I can't escape!
Stop trapping me and leave me alone!

Dear Anonymous,
My laptop is not for playing games (specifically). I do work on it. So stop asking. Kthanks.
I really miss you though. Despite how much you piss me off sometimes. Love ya, kid! And stop getting so damn tall! And your voice needs to stop getting deeper. Oh and stop growing up. Ok, that's all.

Dear Anonymous,
That house will never be for sale. I am going to live there. Get over it.

Dear Anonymous,
You are a great guy - - - In person. On Facebook you're just a pretentious asshole. All of your notes that people praise so much? We all talk about them behind our back, and generally end up laughing and/or sighing and shaking our heads. What happened to you? When I talk to you in person you seem to revert back to your jovial self that I knew in high school, but whenever you say anything online it seems like you're picking the biggest words you can find and trying your hardest to come off as deep and prophetic. Give up, man. For every person that comments and says "this is great" there's probably 3 other people looking at it and saying "get a life!"
Stop acting like a prophet. You're no personal Jesus.

Dear Anonymous,
I need to get off my ass and get to the International Program's office so we can go to England together! I really miss you quite a lot, and I think I miss you the most right now. You are probably the only person in the world who cheers me up on a pretty daily basis, and you are constantly making me happy and putting a smile on my face. Of course your whore-of-a-roommate is putting a damper on your happiness, and I need to go down there and fuck a bitch up like I promised. Soon. Very soon.
It's been waaaaaaay too long since I've seen you and I miss you hella lots!



That's it for now.
I'm sure I'll come up with more later.



What's odd about it is that I don't have this satisfaction now like I usually do after writing these... I don't understand.
Maybe as the day goes on I'll figure it out and if I add more letters on I'll try to add what I'm thinking it is.

Oh, blog. You are so fantastically nice to listen to me bitch and moan.

A Real Blog Post.

(The blurb I wrote earlier today was just an impulsive thing. More of a Twitter-type blog/post than something that belongs on blogspot. But because this is a personal blog and that was a legitimate impulsive feeling I had at the time I'm just going to leave it.)

I feel like a lot of shit tends to happen at once, and unfortunately during this spring break my depression has adopted a bit of a manic quality to it. I'll be super happy for the afternoon, and then when I get back to the house at night something will happen and I'll immediately plummet back down to reality. Of course reality for me right now is that when spring break is over I go back to having one friend that I share absolutely no classes with, nor do we live in the same dorm (or even a dorm "close by"... of course that's all relative when you're talking about on-campus housing) and I'm really bummed that I don't 1- see her that often and 2- have more friends.

Another reality is that despite my determination to live in this house next year once I stopped cleaning non-stop I just sort of stopped cleaning altogether. I know i should be doing more, and I know that if I don't have enough done before the summer I won't be able to finish cleaning, have that yard/estate sale and have everything where I want it by the time school starts again. Especially considering I need a job. I will be applying just about everywhere that I can at Friendly Center/The Shops at Friendly in hopes that I will get something close by (the only exception: Harris Teeter. I will NEVER work at that god-forsaken hell hole.) I'm kind of hoping for P.F. Changs (big tips!), Ulta (discount on makeup!), or the Apple Store (psh, yeah right!) or even the Jewel Box (is that what it's called? I forgot...) Oh well, we'll see how that goes.


One of the things that's really getting to me right now is this lack of a properly functional car.
As great as Tybalt has been for me (to the best of his ability really) I'm getting to the point that I'm despising that car. A '93 (or is he '92?) Honda Civic DX. Bottom of the line, base model, absolutely nothing special about him. I'm ready to get my own car and love it to pieces. (I want a new Honda Fit. The purple one.) I also just want something that will be fun to drive (rather than the fretfulness I experience with Tybalt's ghetto-ass noises. I don't even know what some of those noises are!) It would also be nice to not have to worry about highways. I don't feel comfortable taking Tybalt onto the highway anymore.

So let's recap:
I lack friends.
The house isn't where I want it.
I don't have a job.
I want a new car.


Do I have anything positive going for me right now?
Well, hopefully plans for Friday night will work out, but with how things are going now that's doubtful.
And I guess that I'm not in school? Although at this point if I was at school I would have an excuse to not get into the car and risk a drive out to wherever I go. (In all honesty I'd probably just drive out to the airport or just drive until I find somewhere dark, lay out a blanket, and look at the stars. Oh how I love the stars and how much they center me.)

"I live to function
On my own is all I know
No friends to mention
No distraction, nowhere to go"

Common Interests

Have you ever felt alone?




There seems to be a lot of that going around lately.

Orange Filter Sky

Oh spring break, how wonderful your sense of time is!

I don't think I could've made it through another week of school. (OK, school I could do; the living situation/dorm room/sharing my personal space with another person situation? Not so much.) Don't get me wrong, I think my roommate's nice (albeit a very judgemental, warm-blooded nice person). We have fun when we both loosen up a bit and she gets her nose out of a book and I get mine out of facebook. (Don't judge me, my priorities are just fine.)

However, I'm missing people something AWFUL right now. I miss having long conversations about everything. It's surprising how much I actually talked about stuff that meant something in high school. At graduation I probably would have said that the bulk of my meaningful conversation was with my dad, who generally is the bulk of my conversation PERIOD (I love the man almost as much as he loves the sound of his own voice. And I love my dad a whole helluva lot.) But as it turns out it was mostly with friends.

GAH; I'm just ready to get this semester over with and move into a room of my own and finally be truly happy again. I miss people and I miss privacy and I miss a bathroom that isn't shared with anywhere between 20 to 30 girls.

Ugh. I feel like I've been looking at nothing but words for the past hour. (Oh wait... I have!) I don't think I can comprehend anything else but TV for the next at least half an hour. Then back to the boys' blog. I won't lie - I'm really excited to read this and put in my two cents. Although I usually can't write on a debate as eloquently as I can speak about it, which is odd considering when you write you can use the internet to your advantage by looking things up. I guess I just prefer seeing people's reactions to what I say?

And so I leave you possibly confused, me utterly sick of looking at this font, and possibly leaving to go get something cheap to eat. If I feel willing enough to spend the money. (I've found that stingy-ness is the best diet. You won't eat a lot if you aren't willing to pay for a lot!)

Things I Miss

The title explains it all.

These are in no particular order.

• Popeye
• Hamlet
• the house (ugh. 2 - maybe 3 - weeks away from it is quite daunting at this point)
• my own room
• WGHS Jazz Band
• Nathan Street
• playing jazz (generally speaking)
• barbeque (specifically - chopped sandwiches from Country BBQ on Wendover)
  
• WGHS Drama
• all of my friends
• good sleep
• the park (with friends; occasionally with camera)
• the warmer weather we had last week
• Mrs. Rose's class
• Coach Gordon's class
• Stell's class (oh MAN, do I miss that class)
• Mr. Burns' class
• Teacher Cadets (not last year, but I miss it)
  
• last year in general

I'm really feeling friend-sick right now. And in a few weeks I'll be feeling homesick too.
I miss you guys like WOAH. Not fun. :(

I feel a bit like Grover Cleveland completely unaware of the fact that Godzilla is right behind me poised and ready to attack.

materialism. don't judge me.

So, this is all ONLY things I want. Nowhere on this list should you find something I need.
Some of these are dead serious; some of these are possible; some of these are for fun; some of these are dreams; some of these are happening, but not for a while and I just want them to happen sooner.

Things I Want:

1. A room to myself.
2. Popeye's (my grandpa's) house.
3. A purple Honda Fit.
4. My MacBook to not have cracks in the plastic.
   
5. The Apple Store in Greensboro to open so I can easily take care of #4.
6. General Tao's Chicken
7. A trip. To anywhere.
8. This week to end please.
9. Carte Blanche (don't we all. Well, perhaps not everybody.)
   
10. A coloring book.
11. My crayons (for above coloring book.)
12. Friday
13. A 100g iPod Touch. Wouldn't that be just AWESOME?
14. (More) Friends at UNCG. (In my dorm.)
15. Boy
    
16. To sit outside on a blanket in a really dark place looking at the stars.
17. With boy.
18. A kiss by a train.
19. A kiss in the snow.
20. A kiss.
21. A warm body to hold me
22. In the snow.
23. Boy. (It deserves repeating.) :]
24. These pillows: http://www.throwboy.com/icons.php
    

I'm sure I'll come up with more and keep adding to the list until I've just become a wadded up ball of tissues full of tears, snot, and pity.

This post is not for little kids.

Mother Nature is a bitch. But not the real foe.

Time is Public Enemy Number One right now.

I want to go back and swing, see-saw, slide, run, fly, snap, capture.
Just like last year.
I miss these people like WOAH.

Time is a fucking bitch.

Haikus!

Who doesn't love a good haiku every now and then?
Here are a few I came up with in math class this afternoon.


Haikus are so fun
and take barely any skill.
Warning: some are weird.

Do you ever just want
a nice hot bowl of soup?
Beavers have flat tails.


Math is not that fun.
But it is necessary
for graduation.

Take just a moment;
look around at the people;
then step back and breathe.




A short story for you!

So we have this big piece of paper up on the wall in the dorm right. Every hall has one, I think. But we're encouraged to go write something. Some people put up proverbs, some have things like "pink is the new black" others are about women (as this is an all-girls dorm) and it's great! I just put mine up. I'm rather fond of it (and I don't care if Wikipedia bursts my bubble. I still love it.)

"When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity."
~ John F. Kennedy

Ooh, a new gadget/widget!

Oh how fancy, a gadget/widget that plays music!

I'll try to change the songs every week, but we'll see how long that lasts.

Anyway, I wish the player would play the whole song, not just a clip... but oh well. C'est la vie. Can't get everything tailored to one's exact liking, yah? I mean really; at least I can have a music playing gadget/widget thing to begin with. And now I can share with you some music that I'm really diggin.

Good news! I now have the complete discographies for the following 3 groups:

The Beatles
Green Day
Porcupine Tree

I also have both of the CDs released by Blackfield

Bad news! I can no longer fit all of my music on my iPod. ><
I knew it would happen. I just didn't know it would happen this fast. I started out with a 4gb blue iPod mini (2nd gen); when I ran over 4 gigs I begged for a new iPod incessantly and after about a year and a half I got my current iPod: the touch (1st gen). Now I've had that one for about a year and I'm already past the 16gb limit it set for me.

Now I know there's a site online that shows me how I can use my old mini to create a flash card based setup and I can use as big a card as I can get my hand on, and I'm really considering that. But it makes me wonder if there's any way I can add space to my touch without just simply getting a new one.

But if it comes down to having 2gb more music than my player can handle I may just have to go back to that website and rip apart my mini and change it over onto a flash card that can hold all of my music. (No matter how much it may scare me.) So I may as well start my quest now for the neccessary flash card.

funny

How creativity just hits you sometimes.

And usually for me it's more of like an EXTREME urge to let it out exactly when it hits. Sometimes it helps to just pull out a guitar and learn a new song. Sometimes I need to go find a bit of clay and make something (although more often than not it's not a very coherent piece and I really just need to mash it up; and I do). Sometimes I want to do everything. Write , draw, paint, sculpt, play, create, anything, everything.

It's almost like a river behind a dam. Something needs to be built in to let it out. Some kind of valve contraption.
But tonight was different. Tonight was more like a pulse.

First off I really wanted some crayons. Don't ask why. I like how crayons feel and blend. Although oil pastels are much better for both of those. I guess it's the inner child. I heart crayons.
Well, I didn't have crayons so I went with the next best thing: not-so-great markers probably from a bargain bin somewhere. Well I grabbed those and created something in warm tones and then made the rookie mistake of thinking "something's missing." Forget the "less is more" mentality this shit needs something. Well I kinda overshot. And it's not nearly as good anymore. But oh well. Maybe at some point I'll start adding photos on the blog of all of the really random art projects I do. That would be pretty fun. (Gimme feedback on that one. If I hear things I'll probably do it; if not I probably won't bother unless I really want to get a picture of it on mah super kewl blog to have forevah!)

Moving on. So after I overthought on that I moved on to something that DEFINITELY needs more. It's a sweet vine sort of pattern, but it's all spiral-y and has dots. I like it. And it would be a pretty awesome motif in a painting sometime. I'm thinking about doing it on the door above the closet because it has this awkward over-hang thing. I dunno. We'll see.

But then we move on to random emo poem. Yeah. Stream of conscious-ness in the style of a free-form poem. Not that great. I may revisit it later. We'll see.

And then music. Of course. I often wish I had fantastic skills, a recording set up better than a built-in laptop microphone, and a drum kit. I'm working on the fantastic skills (on guitar at least) and I don't know I'll ever have fantastic bass skills. But the drum kit would be fun to have, and apparently I don't suck at it. So said a fairly skilled musician. Yeah. So we'll see someday if I have a drumset if I learn to play it how well I could do with that.
Well anyway I'm gonna bust out the guitar after I finish this post and see what I can do.

But what kind of sucks about this is that I want to sleep. In fact, I kind of wanted to go to bed 4 hours ago. But decided not to because I'd get up at a really wack time (like 6 am) and wouldn't know what to do with myself. Because it would be Sunday.


So yes. In conclusion:
My creative vein is pulsing, so I let it bleed a bit, and now it's keeping me up, but I don't think I mind.

Cloudshine?

I’m not a “morning person.” Nor am I a “night owl.” I’d rather not be classified by what time I get up, or what time I go to bed. Let’s just say, for now at least, that I’m just one of those people that appreciates being awake, and therefore end up staying awake longer and inversely sleeping later. I like being up in the morning, it's just the actual getting up that gets me.

I watched the sunrise this morning. I thought last night that my favorite thing to do after a heavy rain was to sit outside and look at the stars. The sky is always peculiarly clear after purging itself, and I’m not one to pass up an opportunity like a clear night sky. Well I think my opinion has changed. As it turns out, the sunrise I saw this morning was absolutely magnificent. I’ve seen some sunrises before; not many mind you, but a few. Nothing compared to this one.

At first I was just admiring the sights, but I wondered how I would describe this view if need be, and the near impossible perfection of nature trumped me once again. It started out fine – the reddish orange gradiating into the bright turquoise-into-blue that was completed at the apex of the sky with some lavender clouds at just the opportune position to complete the spectrum. But probably about fifteen minutes later the words left me.

I was sitting out on the balcony (it sounds grand, but trust me – it ain’t) with a friendly cup of coffee admiring the magnificent colors through the trees. No better way in my opinion, but that’s another story for another time. Perhaps. Anyway, I notice down at the very bottom of the trees right before you can’t see through them anymore, there’s a bright luminescent almost neon pinky red glow. No, glow isn’t the term, but I don’t know what I could say that could describe these phosphorescent clouds.

So I get really excited, because I’m a bit of a nerd, and I rush downstairs out to the backyard hoping to get a better view from a different angle of this super bright, amazingly pink clouds. I got so much better than that, though.

When I get outside I note that my coffee is gone, and I’m cold. So I’m hoping to see something good or else I’m going back in to refill my cup and go back to my roost. But as I was looking I saw them. The clouds were amazing, and amazingly difficult to describe. Things like this can’t be captured in any medium. Words can’t capture the shape, pictures can’t capture the depth, sketches can’t capture the color, paintings can’t capture the brilliance. The only way to really see it is to be there.

And while I’m standing, admiring the color, a giant cloud is moving over me towards the rising sun. Almost immediately after I notice the purple color kind of graying a bit it hits the light and is suddenly not just a giant purple square cloud. It has dimension. The purple turned deeper and the pink got brighter. I watched the cloud move towards the sun and get pinker and pinker until it almost turned orange, and then faded back to gray.

After watching this misshapen splotch turn into a fantastic light I realized that I will never live that moment in my life again. That cloud will probably be forgotten. The color will fade in my memory. The shape of the trees scratching the cloud after it became an indistinguishable gray blob again will be molded and transformed in my head, and it probably already has. But that moment, though passed, was there. It happened.

Realizing I was the only one to have that moment ever was enough to keep me warm until I could go back in the house, get another cup of coffee, and turn on some music to get my morning going.

I think it’s gonna be a good day today.